Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Melrose Place "Santa Fe" or Life is Unfair

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So why is life unfair you may ask? Because we live in a world where it is completely plausible that a man like Jonah (Michael Rady) ( (reasonably attractive, currently successful but usually broke, whiny) can have his choice of TWO women, and a woman like Ella (Katie Cassidy) (totally hot, driven, successful) is nothing more than a rebound for a confused idiot. Seeing Jonah and Drew (Nick Zano) fight over Riley (Jessica Lucas) made my blood boil! That coupled with the fact that Ella was totally cool about it and in next week's preview Jonah is trying to get Riley back make me HATE JONAH. Moron. So that is what I have to say about that!

Other thoughts:

-Everyone over 40 on this show is an unrepentant sociopath. I mean I don't even understand how I am supposed to enjoy the reunion between Jo (Daphne Zuniga), Jane (Josie Bissett), Michael (Thomas Calabro) and Amanda (Heather Locklear) when not one of these people have even one redeeming quality?! They are all just desperate losers trying to destroy the next generation for the flimsiest of reasons possible. They are awful, and I hate them. Especially Amanda and Jane, because they are destroying Ella's career, and she worked SO HARD. Also, Michael, because he was pretty much going to rape Lauren (Stephanie Jacobsen) by blackmailing her into sex.
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-Speaking of Lauren...OMG! I love that she just admitted to being prostitute like that! I wish she had done that before breaking up with David (Shaun Sipos) and driving him back to thievery which kicked off the stupid "blonde girl blackmailing David into sex" (very popular on this show) storyline which is boring and lame. I really liked the scene where David and Lauren talked about their feelings, because he was justifiably hurt and angry, and she was open and vulnerable. He's love starved, so he won't be able to resist the "I love you" from her for long.
'
-Two good burns tonight- Drew to Jonah- So desperate you throw a party like this just to show everyone how AWESOME you are!" And Ella about Jo "Did somebody complain that this party wasn't bossy and overbearing enough?!"

-Of course Riley makes Lauren being a whore all about her. "Remember, I know what it's like to have the rug pulled out from under your whole life..." Because being forced to become a hooker so you don't have to give up on your dream of being a doctor is JUST LIKE breaking up with your boyfriend of five years. Exactly the same,

-What was Drew doing with that body at the end there? I thought he was the normal one! Non-broody and everything!

Next week:
Jonah tries to get back together with Riley and disses Ella. Jonah, you are officially moving to the hate list. Jerk.

90210-"Clark Raving Mad" or I missed the beginning, fill me in!

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Yes, it is tragic. Because Charter Communications cannot make a functioning DVR, 90210 didn't record last night, even though I have it set to record ALL EPISODES. So when I got home at 8:40, I decided I at least had to catch the last 20 minutes! So here's what I saw! Anyone want to fill in the blanks for me?

-Adrianna (Jessica Lowndes) and Gia (Rumer Willis) had an interesting conversation about human sexuality, the Kinsey Scale, and then made out. I am definitely starting to like these two! They were pretty cute together.

-Things seem to be going well with Adrianna and the band and Navid (Michael Steger) and his new lady, because there was a sweet band scene at the end there.

-Teddy (Trevor Donovan) and Silver (Jessica Stroup) got back together! Yay! After they kissed he picked her up and swung her around all cutely and it reminded me how incredibly tiny she is.

-Dixon's mom left, and before she went, decided to remind Dixon that gambling is awesome, to help him out with that burgeoning gambling problem he's working on.

-Also, Dixon's mom totally BUSTED Debbie kissing her yoga instructor (Go Lucky # 3) and told her not to sacrifice her marriage with her idiot goofball husband for a totally hot, intelligent and understanding man. Um, great advice Dana. (I don't like to be pro-adultery, but Harry's had all the sensitivity and suavness of Homer Simpson this season! Come on man!)

-Apparently someone told Naomi she could have something if she slept with him. Liam wants her to tell on the guy, and not act like "a doormat like our mothers are." Whoa, way harsh dude.

-Jasper threatened to kill himself! Do you think he'll do it?! How much blood will Annie have on her hands by the time this school year is out!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Melrose Place- I finally discovered the mystery behind the episode names! This is worth reading just for that!

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Two things before we begin:

1. I finally figured it out! I am going to stop obsessing about the episode names from now on! I guess Melrose Place names all the episodes after streets in L.A. or something? Is that supposed to be clever? It seems to me the writers just don't have even the tiniest bit of creativity left in them after writing the episode, so they just name it after somewhere they drove by earlier.

2. CWTV.com has the worst selection of pictures for this show. It is basically always just the same two scenes from 10 different angles. This week? Pool basketball and Amanda vs. Riley confrontation. Hopefully you don't have a powerful need to see more angles of either of those scenes, because you're just getting one of each.

So onto the show! What even happened?! Well let's see...

Amanda/Riley/Bearded Billy Campbell- I think we're supposed to...like Riley(Jessica Lucas)? Maybe? With her whole "I'll get the funding for my schools, even if I have to raise every last cent myself!", I think we are supposed to find her admirable and like-able. I don't, so it doesn't really matter what they want. This storyline was a dud for me, for a few reasons.
1. Riley.
2. It went nowhere
3. Bearded Billy Campbell and Riley have absolutely no sexual chemistry, and I do not buy that he would break up with Amanda for her. I mean, Riley and I would have more chemistry together, and I hate her!
The only good thing about this for me is that maybe Amanda will do a lot of awful things to Riley in the future because of her boyfriend stealing. Fingers crossed!

David/Lauren- Sigh. Stupid Lauren really did break up with David and not give him a reason. I really wanted to believe she would find a way out that didn't involve breaking David's heart and driving him back to thievery. The bright side is, maybe now that he has slept with that girl so that she won't tell her mobster (or something) father that David stole from him, when they get back together, David will totally understand her whorish ways!

Drew (Nick Zano)- He is called Drew! Score one for me against CWTV.com! He was also much less annoying this time around, and I will admit, it is nice to have someone who doesn't take everything SO SERIOUSLY around. He is far less broody than the rest of them.
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Ella/Jonah- I actually really liked this story line! It totally makes sense that Ella and Jonah would have a few bumps in the road towards "couplehood", and it was nice to see a few layers in both characters. We see that Ella has a reason for those rough edges (child of divorce, tough upbringing) and that Jonah had a tendency to be a bit suffocating to those he loves. And of course, I was happy to seem them work it out for now, because I love Ella almost as much as I hate Riley, and the fact that this makes Ella happy while making Riley miserable is pretty perfect.

Next week:
Drew and Jonah BETTER NOT be fighting over Riley. Seriously. Also: Lots of old-timey Melrosers in one place! Melrose Place!

90210- "What's Past is Prologue" A pretty good title for a pretty good episode!

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So there were some things missing from this episode of 90210, but I think that the fact that I still really enjoyed this episode despite there being no drunk Ryan Matthews, very little Liam, Silver and Teddy having problems and Deb NOT going psycho means that it was a pretty strong showing!

We had:

-Gia (Rumer Willis) making me kind of like and care about her! I mean she's a super spy, she seemed really happy that Teddy wasn't going to cheat on Silver even though we have zero evidence that she is even friends with Silver, and let's be honest, we're all sick of hearing Adrianna whining about Navid! So go Gia! I totally wanted her to kiss Ade in the bathroom instead of just admitting she likes her, but whatevs, she's still cool.

-Adrianna (Jessica Lowndes) trying out to be the singer in a band. (What kind of band? I don't know what kind of high school band is looking for Adrianna's show tunes voice, but Gia seems to think they're cool, so I'll go with it. Another question... Why would Lila (Amber Wallace) schedule a date on the very night she was supposed to be auditioning singers for her band? I mean we all know bass players don't matter, but come on, show some commitment here, Lila!) And then finding out that a member of the band is the very same girl she just saw Navid making out with and then talked about very loudly from about 2 feet away!

-Naomi's (AnnaLynn McCord) gossip report for The Blaze. Classic.

-Annie (Shenae Grimes) getting stalked by Jasper (Zachary Ray Leonard)! AND he stole her car to hide the evidence of her homicidal driving! I love that she actually said to Silver at one point "We all make mistakes sometimes, and we need to just, move on." Look, sometimes you murder someone with your car and leave them for dead, and then you just need to MOVE ON. Obviously Annie.

-Deb (Lori Loughlin) was so cute being all threatened by Dixon's (Tristan Wilds) birth mom! Also, her yoga instructor was SO CUTE being there for her and telling her that her feelings were valid and all that. Yay Lucky # 3 from General Hospital! Deb was TOTALLY rocking some crazy Annie faces in this episode! Now we know that crazyface is a genetic condition!

-Harry (Rob Estes) is truly the densest man alive. They are writing him as such a clueless goofball this season!

-I love that one offhand mention of gambling from his formerly crazy birth mom is enough to begin a gambling problem for Dixon (You KNOW that is where this is going!). Looks like Deb and Harry didn't spend enough on counseling for him.

-Silver (Jessica Stroup) and Teddy (Trevor Donovan) having some relationship growing pains! (He's gonna forgive her for spying on him! He has to! He must!) I mean everyone meets up with a sex buddy just for coffee when "trying" monogamy! And everyone sends random lesbian friends to spy on boyfriends who used to be big man-sluts! This is all totally normal and they are going to go back to being all cute and awesome and stuff sometime soon.

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-Navid (Michael Steger) went on a date with a cute girl! It was pretty sweet, even if he did take her the same place that Liam and Naomi had their horrible awkward date. That may be the only place West Beverly High kids go on dates now that "The New Peach Pit" is defunct. I still want him to just forgive Adrianna, but until then, these two are cool with me.

Next week:
Ugh I have to tell you that I really hated the preview for next week's show. "Like, omigod, two girls kissing! How SCANDALOUS!!" This is a show where high school kids have: no parents, drug addictions, and relationships entirely based upon sex, not to mention the possibility that one of them has KILLED someone, so let's not act like lesbian characters are some big controversy all of a sudden. I mean Gia has an ex-girlfriend that was mentioned casually and Gia and Adrianna have already had a pretty steamy kiss, so I don't really see the need to act all ridiculous about the episode where they actually get together, CW promo team. Grow up!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Melrose Place- it giveth, it taketh away.

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So I think this week's Melrose Place episode, "Stoner Canyon" (Do not ask me, I do not have any idea where the names of these episodes originate. And yes, I am TRYING to stop obsessing about it, but it's hard, okay?!) can be easily divided into two categories. Things I loved, and things I hated. (It's a simple show people.)

Things I loved:

Ella (Katie Cassidy) and Jonah (Michael Rady)! Together! All vulnerable and stuff! (But if you break her heart, Jonah Miller, I swear, I WILL become a fictional character and get you!)

Jonah changing the ending of his movie (which, I have to say, sounds worse and worse the more I hear it described.) to reflect the fact that it turns out Riley (Jessica Lucas) SUCKS.

David (Shaun Sipos) explaining to Michael (Thomas Calabro) like 10 times that when he slept with Vanessa (Scary Brooke Burns), it was before Michael and she knew each other. "Before you even met." "You didn't even know each other." "You hadn't even met her." Let me reiterate Dad, YOU DID NOT KNOW EACH OTHER.

Michael actually being a doctor instead of a psycho.

Amanda (Heather Locklear) Googling "pain in chest and shortness of breath" after being told she had just lost 15 million dollars and then acting like Michael was crazy when he suggested she was having panic attacks. She is so much dumber than I thought.

Also, Amanda being really insecure about bearded Billy Campbell and other women. The dragon lady is fallible!

They all still seem like actual friends instead of strangers who live in the same building like they did before the break.

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Things I hated:

Michael blackmailing Lauren to break David's heart. For one this is crazy, and for two, I think someone as smart as Lauren could figure a way to get out of it. Like say, telling David Michael is threatening her and that she wants to pretend to break up so that he will back off and stop being a psycho boss. Then she can keep her whorish ways a secret and NOT break David's heart. She is dumb if she goes through with this. Like, 'Googling "chest pain and shortness of breath" after being told she lost 15 million dollars' dumb.

Ugh Nick Zano's entire character, whose every move I predicted throughout the entire show. He does look better thinner and less muscley though, so I'll give you that, Zano. (I thought he was named Drew from the show, but CW website is calling him Nick. I am just going to wait and see who's right.)

The fact that Nick (or Drew) is all into Lauren and these two are probably going to hook up. Poor David.

Riley.

The fact that bearded Billy Campbell was nice to Riley and funded her project.

The fact that everyone acts like Riley is so pretty when Ella is clearly just as pretty or prettier than her.

That Jonah at some point in his life thought Riley was really funny.

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Here's hoping:

Nick (or Drew) and Riley get together and pull a Violet and Auggie and ride off into the sunset forever.

Next week:

Riley kisses bearded Billy Campbell! I guess Amanda was totally right to be insecure about him! I cannot wait until she brings down her righteous life-ruining fire down on Riley!

90210- It's back! And better than...last week!

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I think 90210 returned to fine form last night, recovering from last week's episode quite nicely. And since everyone loves lists, let's just do an homage to Clint Eastwood and make it "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly."

The Good:

By being all fiesty, cute and funny (and, of course, Girl Fighting), Naomi (Annalynn McCord) won me AND Liam (Matt Lanter) over to the Liam + Naomi = LOVE side. Sorry Ivy! Besides, since when is mind-blowing sex not a good basis for a relationship?

Dixon (Tristan Wilds) got totally busted trying to keep Teddy (Trevor Donovan) and Silver (Jessica Stroup) apart, and got punched in gut for his evil machinations! Also, people kept mentioning his birth mother ignoring him.

Silver totally BURNED Dixon when he was trying to get back with her! "I really really value your friendship." Ouch.

Adrianna (Jessica Lowndes) has pretty hair. (Thanks for NOT providing a picture of that cwtv.com!)

Annie (Shenae Grimes) actually did something smart and figured out a way to get rid of Jasper (Zachary Ray Sherman) with a minimum of weird face making. Even I didn't like seeing her suffer that much.

Annie wrote a confession that was autosaved on her computer! I can't wait to see her suffer for killing that homeless dude! She made a lot of weird faces while trying to email her parents her murder confession. Ah, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

After some typical Silver style waffling, SILVER AND TEDDY KISSED! Sweet! Maybe I should start a fan site for this fictional couple I am unnaturally preoccupied with! Oh wait, someone else already did that, so, I'm out of luck.
http://www.fanpop.com/spots/silver-and-teddy
Also, I guess I don't need to post that Teddy and Silver montage video i made scored to "My Heart Will Go On". "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" was a WAY better song choice.
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So the whole Teddy and Silver thing is going well, and for me, that is GOOD. This was my actual note at the end of the episode concerning this: "MAKE OUT!!!!! YES!!!!!!! Tilver! Seddy! Fave couple ever!"
Adrianna and Navid (Michael Steger), you have been replaced in my heart.

The Bad:

No Navid.

Ugh Annie's back in the clique again. I kind of liked it when she had her own separate story line that I could zone out during.

Adrianna and Rumer Willis are just not doing it for me.

I really just want this Annie killing a bum storyline to wrap up, so can she just turn herself in and find out that she didn't really kill a dude after all. And then everyone can judge her for thinking that she killed someone and not coming forward about it.

Kelly Lynch as Ivy's Mom. How about we write for the adults we already have?

Ivy saying "Nai's got sammies!" Oh god, no.

Jasper isn't so much menacing as he is whiny. "Come onnn! We ALWAYS used to hang at my house!"

The Ugly:

The crazy Mama bear glint in Deb's eye when Dixon's birth Mom showed up.

Ryan Matthews' downward spiral! Though it did give us this awesome line re: Jen from Naomi... "Oh I didn't realize that would bother you. I mean it's obvious that she's a total sociopath."

Things I can't wait for:

Someone to read Annie's confession.

Deb to go all insane on Dixon's birth-mom.

Silver and Teddy equaling love.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Melrose Place- "Oriole" No, I don't know why it is called that.


Melrose Place is back! With another completely inexplicable episode title! Apparently, even though it has been three months since the last episode, it has only been about 8 hours in Melrose world since then. No one besides David seems to know or care that Lauren almost died, and people are even less concerned about the death/attempted murder that happened in their pool just the night before! Riley mentions in passing to Violet that she's "sorry about what she went through last night" (She just killed, in self defense, the woman who murdered her mother. So not a big deal! I mean Riley had a break up last night, so it was big of her to even mention it really.) What are people concerned about? Why romantic relationships, of course!

Now some might say that I have irrational hatred for Riley and a strange, Harper's Island inspired love for Ella, but I cannot even for five seconds understand why Jonah would even consider going back to Riley. At this point, Riley is bordering on delusional crazy-person behavior here if she thinks she can tell her fiancee that she doesn't want to marry him and just wants to continue dating him with the freedom to dump him on his ass whenever the feeling strikes her, and when he says no way to that proposal, she continues to attempt to sleep with him and act like they are together and everything is fine. How is Ella the bad guy here?! She's not, so SHUT UP RILEY and David. Riley you are officially the most terrible person on this show, a show which contains murderers, whores and thieves.

So in conclusion, Jonah better get his act together and give Ella all the love and cherishing she deserves.

On the Lauren and David front, he beat the crap out someone for her, and even though I am usually against violence, I am all for it, because the dude drugged her and left her to die! I love how at one point she actually tries to describe this man as "just a big jerk". Um, he didn't steal your LEGOs or something Lauren, he almost killed you.

David and Lauren are still adorable, and he still doesn't know she's a hooker. I am sure he's not going to take it well.

Violet and Auggie decided to run away together because Melrose Place is causing all of their problems. He totally loves Riley but Violet is so weirdly obsessed with him that she is okay with being with him even though he is not really interested in her. This is what low self-esteem gets you ladies. So these two are off the show. Later!

Amanda is dating a bearded Billy Campbell, who is a computer billionaire or something. He is not good at reading the ladies though, because he totally made it seem like he was going to propose to her, and instead her gave her a Bentley. Note to all the men out there in TV land, even if you are giving your lady a freakin' Bentley, and even if your lady is an older, powerful, already-been-married woman who one would think would not really be obsessed with getting engaged, she will be pissed if you make it seem like you are giving her a diamond and then you don't. Because for TV ladies, being married is pinnacle of life. Duh, bearded Billy Campbell, duh.

Also, bearded Billy Campbell and Ella had a weird moment where maybe it seemed like he was hitting on her or something, and Amanda saw, and was pretty much unnecessarily awful to Ella, because obviously it was her fault that Amanda's boyfriend hit on her. Chicks, man. So Amanda will probs be plotting against her and stuff now.

Next week: Love triangle! Michael! Kimber from Nip/Tuck!
What I want to know is, will the whole "Micheal's kid is really David's kid" reveal ever be revisited? Or are we just forgetting about that?

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

90210 Returns! Finally!


After the longest winter break in history, 90210 is finally back! Did this episode live up to the stellar "Winter Wonderland" half season finale thing in December?! No, not really at all. Parts of it were kind of annoying, parts of it were enraging, and parts of it were just kinda boring. Some things were still awesome though, I admit. Such as:

-Naomi and Ivy's totally awkward interaction, complete with the line "I found if you spoke loudly and slowly enough you could get through to them that you did not want their island junk."

-Liam was there, being hot and stuff.

-Naomi remembering that her entire relationship with Liam pre-him doing her sister pretty much consisted of sex and smirking, causing her to then show up at his boat- building place naked.

-Lucky # 3 from General Hospital played Deb and Kelly's hot yoga teacher! This is the only thing even remotely good about the parent's story line tonight.

-Oh no wait, the part where Deb made fun of Annie's, "snarky derisive laugh" was pretty great too. Wow, Annie is so awful, even her own parents know it.

-Ivy and Liam are still BFF! They WILL be together, I can feel it!

-Adrianna and Rumer Willis? Kinda cute together!

-Like Naomi, I want to "forget about Jen and everything she's ever done forever." Sounds about right.

Onto annoying:

-Why is Rob Estes suddenly mugging like one of the Three Stooges in every scene he's in? Tone it down man! It's like he's been taking "weird face-making" classes from Shanae Grimes!

-I think they made Jennie Garth wear a really unflattering dress in that stupid party scene just so she wouldn't seem like a threat to Deb and Harry's marriage or Deb and the yoga dude's flirtation.

-Navid and Dixon's terrible terrible hijinks. Life tip: when you are in the midst of a secret plan to destroy someone, walking by him and smiling triumphantly before anything has even happened is a really good way to tip him off.

-Does Adrianna have to be totally awkward with her friends to become friends with Gia? Couldn't they have just met and hit it off when she was not all vulnerable and weird?

-Does Gia have to wear that weird fedora thing? We get that she's a lesbian people, don't worry about it.

-Where was Ryan Matthews? I want to know how his drinking problem has been progressing!

ENRAGING:

-Dixon. Silver. All of it. Did Dixon not get my memo that he needs to step aside and let my new favorite couple Teddy and Silver fall in love and be together forever and ever? I cannot wait for all of his machinations to be laid bare and for Teddy to beat him up, sans weird outdoor boxing helmets and gloves. (What was that about?)

-The fact that Navid bought cocaine with which to set up Jasper. Out of character much? And I can't even feel that bad about him getting in trouble for it, because he did indeed buy drugs and bring them to school, so it's not exactly unjust.

-I can't believe Deb and Harry got Annie such a cheap phone! That thing practically shattered into a million pieces when she used her stick arm to throw it barely halfway across the room!

Kinda boring-

I don't know how they do it, but somehow even a relationship based on murder and blackmail can't really make me care about Annie and Jasper. I mean come on Annie, at this point even jail would be preferable to dating Jasper, so just turn your bum -killing- booby-flasher self in.

So, while I'm happy to have 90210 back, the next episode needs to STEP IT UP.

Next week:
Love triangles, hiking and some Ryan Matthews!